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Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself.

– Wayne Dyer

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selfclaimedjourney

Hugging the hearts of all the ones who know this p

Hugging the hearts of all the ones who know this pain. #fathersday2024 #estrangement #nocontact #fatherwound

* Trigger Warning* depression * suicide ideation*

* Trigger Warning* depression * suicide ideation*

I am at a point in the messy travels where I am able to grab hold of joy and feel it in different relationships, moments and experiences in my life now.

Over a year ago I hit a level of depression that I did not know how to get out of, only sink further into.

A year ago voices so soothing would say, you can just die and all the pain will be gone. That felt terrifying and also really comforting. More so comforting because I was struggling deeply with layers of pain, grief and anger.

No matter the work I had done, the choices I made for my betterment, I was exhausted.

I felt hopeless in so many ways. And mostly in ways no matter what I did, didn’t make it better.

And so I hit an end of not knowing what more to do with it. Hope was a feeling I could have for others and see it come to life more than not. But for me, my hopes were unmet. Or maybe just stuck. Or better yet, full of fear to hope like I did as a kid and never have it come.

I wanted love to be bigger but It felt impossible.

I pulled myself close and I knew I was not okay.

I was not ashamed, I was not a failure.

I needed support and care, and help. All of which I was able to get.

What was painful beyond measure was also where I was finally able to meet myself as a whole. Not broken or damaged fragments that never fit anywhere.

Instead I had a collection of parts of me that I pulled close and embraced. Not seeking anything. Just settling in knowing how precious and tender I was.

I am.

I am meeting myself in so many ways I really never knew possible. I am starting to feel so much more than what hurts.

That hurt is not gone. But it doesn’t have a heartbeat throbbing loudly in my life. I have breath now. I’m learning to breathe and live in my body. Unclench. Ground myself in reality and create safety.

When that sparkle of joy emerges I feel like I might like to trust hope. Like maybe it’s safe for me now. And not in the way that everything I hope comes true but in the way of being able to hold it and be okay inside if it doesn’t.

I almost believed it would be better to loose me than feel me. Be me. Trust me. Love me.

I just want to hold you close and you just wanna f

I just want to hold you close and you just wanna fly.

And I so want that for you too.

I am searching for the space where I can hold you and let you go.

Daily, I am imperfect at it. Daily, I keep trying.

On the days that are so hard on my heart I remind myself, and maybe you too-

Keep trying. Keep showing up.

And the deepest one for me-

Keep love bigger than the fear.

I am committed to this everyday. I work at it in s

I am committed to this everyday. I work at it in so many moments throughout each day, each experience and each struggle.

In that I’ve been able to slowly be open, honest and able to connect to who I am, today.

I’ve been working in my trauma work so that I can unlearn and release so much that was never me- the parts I had to become to survive.

Not release to let go and forget but to protect and give relief and compassion. To end the work of performing and extending away from myself.

To let those parts of me be held and supported so that I can learn to relate in ways that I deserve and require for my health.

To navigate the information that stems from within while I take time and truth to figure out what I need. What to ask for. And where I am safe with myself and others to repair and explore.

It’s all day, everyday. Imperfect and both heart -breaking and heart soothing.

My thoughts are not to be without struggle and hardship or to battle every battle. But to be able to stay true to myself while I go through and find my way and know which ways are worth exploring. To also be able to build the love and support within so I can have what I need and the wisdom and trust to follow though.

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